Our Relationship to Relationships

I so wish there was something that one could say that would make this whole relationship thing easier. Fact is, love and relationships are complex and as we have all been raised on Mill’s & Boon fairy tales about it all, we expect it to be that way in real life and are shattered when we find out that sometimes love is just not enough.

There are so many reasons why relationships either break up or go through difficult patches – and at the end of the day we all have choices, every one of us in so many ways. Unfortunately, we are often under the illusion of loving a person, not being able to live without a person or of really wanting to be with someone, when sometimes what we want is simply to belong, to be part of an us, to have someone to be witness to our lives, to not be lonely – and because we are comfortable with one person because we know him or her, we believe that they are the ones that make us happy – and therefore we choose to remain with them or return to them. Back to the comfort zone which is normally fraught with discomfort.

Happiness is the thing – very often in sessions with clients, we explore the possibility of people not necessarily being unhappy, but by the same token, not being happy. This creates an emptiness, a loneliness and a longing, a deep and intense longing for confidence, contentment and joy, and in order to get this, we are prepared to sacrifice exactly that – confidence in our circumstances, contentment with our situation and joy. It is often said that we learn from history that we do not learn from history and nowhere is this more true than in relationships.

True relationships are made up of stress, doubt, sometimes a level of irritation and discord – for we are all human, have egos, opinions and attitude – all of which plays little dramas on the canvas of Trust, Respect and, in my humble opinion lastly, Love. Love is simply not enough. Without compassion, caring, sharing, consideration and, above all, Trust and Respect, love does not stand a chance. Those two are the fuel that keeps the engine turning. In order for there to be either one of these, both parties need to live in Truth and Integrity – and the minute you love someone else, or think you love someone else more than you do yourself, you have betrayed yourself and in that dynamic, there is no room for either Truth or Integrity.

“It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

From: The Invitation Oriah Mountain Dreamer

These are some of my favourite words – that last line, in particular, for you see, if you are faithless it simply means that you are not putting your faith in someone, anyone, outside of yourself – for the majority of people will fight and stand up for that which they believe in, whereas that which we know, we need never fight for – not to convince ourselves or others. I have been challenged on this before and probably will again – for even in our relationship with Spirit or God is this true. If you believe in someone, it does not necessarily mean that you believe or know them. You may believe in your security company, your partner or God – but true power lies in believing your partner and God. You believe your partner without any doubt and you believe God – intimately and undoubtedly, because you KNOW them – intimately, as you should know yourself. When you get to a place where know yourself enough to love you for who you are, you will never enter a relationship with someone who does not honour that, who does not respect you and who does not give you reason to feel safe because of the KNOWING, within your deepest being, that you are loved. As long as one fears losing the one you love, not being good enough or not being worthy of their love, the relationship is compromised because of the faith you put in another to validate you and make you feel better about yourself.

Relationships, as I said at the start, are difficult. The most difficult being the relationship with self, but if we can honestly address that and reach a place where we know that we need to put ourselves first in order to have the strength and courage to be there for another when the time comes, to keep our engines running, to keep our reserves up for both times of need and times of joy instead of constantly running on empty, then we are on the way to healing our relationship with relationships. When we get to this space, we are able to open our arms, our hearts and ourselves, to surrender to the moment and to immerse ourselves in the bliss of being human, being loved, being who we truly are – and in that, there is the deep, gentle yet powerful contentment that we all, at core, search for.

May you find the courage to walk the path back to you . . . embracing where it will take you and finding the stillness in your soul to know what road to take when the fork presents itself.